Lazlo's video vault

At precisely two minutes and thirty two seconds into this clip from the movie, Nosferatu, a cockerel appears at the window and scares the vampire back to his lair.

Be nice to the poultry! You never know when you might need their assistance.

a portrait for my people

feeling better now

Two days ago, I began to display flu-like symptoms.

Naturally, I feared the worst. A headache and a runny nose can be an early indicator of rabies or smallpox, and so I took to my bed.

I have not seen a doctor since 1999. They won't come out this far. So, it's always a mystery to me when I do fall sick. I completely trust the one individual who brings my provisions, and so poisoning cannot explain it.

The internet is the only connection I have with the outside world. So, could this be a computer virus modified to infect humans? Those who intend to prevent my forecasts for the future have boundless resources. For them, the impossible is merely a challenge.

Today, I awoke feeling much better. Even so, I am not prepared to dismiss my suspicions, and accept that the kind soul who brings me food and water might have given me a cold.

Bless you for visiting my blog.

be prepared ...

Lazlo Strangolov's Panic Attack Survival Guide

Last night, while researching a link between supernovas and the swarming patterns of locusts, I felt a tightness in my chest.

My skin prickled, my mouth became dry, and my breathing quickened. Rising from my workstation in the bunker's west wing, I immediately felt the urge to scramble from my underground dwelling. Naturally, I keep the hatch under triple lock and key. It is a precaution I have put in place to prevent myself from doing anything foolish while gripped by a panic attack.

This is not the first time I have found myself in such a spin. As my work is devoted to the foretelling of future events, I often make discoveries that both startle and dismay.

Having experienced several attacks already this year, in view of what I know, I now have a system for restoring a sense of calm. It is something I feel that I should share with you. As details of the world's End Time is contained as a code within the pages of Feather & Bone, I expect those who crack it might be somewhat freaked out.

The key is to be prepared, and follow these steps:

1. Remind yourself that this is just a panic attack. Not easy when you've just discovered that a cataclysmic event is set to befall the globe.
2. Control your breathing. Not easy when time is running out.
3. Clench your fists and then relax them. Not easy when you're hammering on the hatch demanding to be let out.

I realise my advice is based upon personal experience. You may find alternative coping strategies. If all else fails, I find breathing in and out of a paper bag can help bring a sense of calm. Just be sure you don't inhale the whole thing, or blow it apart on exhaling.

Believe me, if you're wise to my findings, it is easily done.

If you go into the woods today...

The time has come to surface

Not literally, you understand. I have no intention of leaving this subterranean stronghold. An almighty cataclysm is set to befall our world, and those who trust my word would be wise to seek shelter as I have.

The date on which this disaster will occur? I would not be so foolish as to publish it here. In a bid to avoid panic buying of baked beans and blankets, I have instead buried the information in a little children's tale of mystery and suspense.

Lazlo Strangolov's Feather & Bone is set to surface in the UK on March 2nd, published by the wise souls at Walker Books. It is a cautionary story about exploding rabbits, challenged chickens and an isolated community with many dark, unspeakable secrets.

I hope it frightens and amuses in equal measure. I also trust that the eagle-eyed among you will crack the code that could prove to be the key for survival.

Having inhabited this bunker, somewhere in the foothills of the Romanian mountains, since New Year's Eve, 1999, I trust my calculations regarding the end of the world as we know it will prove correct this time.

Ten years ago, I made the mistake of relying upon popular opinion within the world of prophecy belief.

Since then, I have devoted myself to uncovering the correct date for Doomsday. I shall no longer rely upon the word of idiots, charlatans and sheep. If I am right, may I suggest you take your summer holidays early this year.

Until then, I have decided to go public with my theories, fears, hopes and beliefs, all of which you can read here. We do not have much time. Only the switched on will survive! Also the chickens.

Thank you for listening.

Your friend from the underground, Lazlo Strangolov.